The others things that also influence my thoughts and my status of mind right now is that i feel guilty.. i mean I'm going to Oklahoma next week and I'm so excited about that, i can barely fall a sleep without thinking about that and all the crazy stuff we are gonna do there and all the fun I'm going to have.. as i said my frustrated dreams i wish that could be like my normal life here.. and that's why i feel guilty, cause i think i didn't do enough to try to socialize and to get the friends i wanted.. and now is too late.. this afternoon while i was watching TV downstairs i realized that I'm arriving on may 12 and the prom is on may 22... like a week later.. i don't have a dress, appointment with the salon, shoes, make up, tickets, and the last but most important.. the date..
Yes i don't have a guy to take me, and it would be lame to go by myself, i was all the time dreaming about going with the tall blond guy whom would be crazy about me, and spending a lot of money in me,, but that just didn't happen, i also realized that by the time i arrive from Oklahoma there would be like a little but more than a month and then i will be packing to go back home in Mazatlan.. and my year is gonna be over... i don't want it to be over.. i don't wanna go back home.. i don't wanna have conflicts with my mom all the time.. i don't wanna go back to that house which i don't like, i don't wanna hear my parents fight about money all the time, the craziness of my mom, the irresponsibility of my dad,, my sister's mood.. is my family and i love them more than anything in the world, i would give my life for them.. but i wish the thing could be different for us.. maybe I'm to ambitious, i ask for too much, and I'm talking about the money, i wish we could have a nice house.. maybe that would be the end of all the drama, i know i have always dreamed with a big house, a car, rich lifestyle and all the stuff.. but i thing with a normal house would be enough for me to be happy, they say is not the house or the money what makes a good person.. but in my case i think it would be better to our family case..
Today when i was talking to my mom and sis thru skype i could hear them fighting as they always do.. about money my mom yelling like all the time saying that she doesnt have any money, hollering to my sister ''Ask your dad'','' Tell him the same your saying to me'',''exigele''..
and all that.. that reminded me how my life used to be last year there.. awfull, and im just referring to my family life, I think the things could be a little more different if we had a normal House as i said, i mean I'm asking for a 3 room 2 bathroom house in at least alameda or lomas, or idk i just want to get rid of the centro..or at least if my house was nice even if i live in the worst neighborhood that wouldn't matter to me.. but is not the truth is that I'm ashamed of it.. that why i don't want anybody to pick me up or take me back home, besides almost anybody wants to, cuz is too far from where all the people live and nobody know my neighborhood and the few people that might want to take me or go visit me i say no cuz i don't want them to see where i live..
that is so lame.. i know i mean if i could have my own room with my own stuff.. and nobody interfering in my own things or sleeping all together.
The other thing that pissed me of is my feeling of like guilty about the money to Oklahoma, i currently have 365 dlls to cover my expenses during my time there, but im not sure it would be enough.. i hope my dad can give me an extra 100 dlls or maybe la ayoya that is always so good to me could give me something.. and i also hope i don't spend a lot of money this week to can spend there in Oklahoma.. my mom told me she will deposit me my month allowance in the next days.. i feel bad to ask her for my month cuz she already paid for my ticket $250... but the truth is that without that money I'm not sure if i could make it.. i know shes not rich and we have trouble with money but i don't know i know i don't ask for too much as my friends spend.. i mean i get 100 dlls a month and normally spend the last 2 weeks of it trying to don't spend on anything cuz i dont have more than 20 dlls left.. that's how the things are normally for me.. and thats why i feel bad and guilty for asking her for my allowance..i wish i couldn't feel guilty like my cousins do.. ask her parents for money all the time, even though they have their own money saved but they just doesnt want to spend theirs, or even when they still have money left, they ask for more cuz they know is not big deal for them and also keeping the change and all the stuff.. i couldn't do all that.. i would feel guilty cuz i know my mommy doesn't have a lot of money shes poor, well we are poor, and my dad now a day his job is going very good, he got a brand new truck and is doing well with bills and my monthly payment up here.. but is the same for us he is so cheap and he lets my mom at the end of the bills to pay, he gives her so little money that doesn't cover all our maintenance i think it was $700 pesos a week.. which is less than $70 dlls but my mom is so good that she can manage it with that little money, well he used to give her that money when i was there, i don't know if he now gives more.. im not sure, but im sure that as soon as i get there im gonna ask him for certain thing that i want from him since hes now doing good in his job.. like a cellphone plan which he would pay, a weekly allowance that he will need to give to me no matter what and i want a car.. I'm not sure if that would happen.. but i still want it.. keep dreaming Ana!
The other night i was thinking about my career, university and all that.. i don't wanna stay in Mazatlan, for the reason i mentioned above,, and will list them again:
-house, (don't like it at all, ashamed of it, and so ppl cant go visit me and I'm sick of hiding it)
-family situations,( mom moods, money fighting, dad irresponsibility, don't let me do anything)
-social status, ( if you stay means u don't have the money to leave)
-husband?? ( how can i get a good prospect in mzt if all the cholos stay there? how can i get a good bf and so forth if all the lame class is the one who stays?)
-career ( i want to study at uvm and that is not in mzt)(but my parents doesn't care)
Now that i have tried living on my own i loved it, i have peace and do what i want with nobody telling me to take a shower or go to bed, i have my own consequences and manage my self to do everything for me, i also wondered how it would be like living in the apartment with my cousins Carmen and Paulina in GDL, considering that her apartment there is three times better and bigger than my current family house in Mzt, and it has more than 1 bathroom, i could invite people over with no shame FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE besides the house here in Seattle. That would be very nice, i care a lot about my cousins and I'm sure they do about me and think we could work it out living together, i mean i could cook and I'm organized, we could all hang out together and got to the clubs,, but i don't really think that would happen.. my dad wouldn't pay for all that.. i wish my tia chayo could sponsor my career.. that would be nice! but c'mon keep dreaming again Anita!
i don't know why i feel like this trashy right now talking about all that, i think is good for me tho cuz i kind of relieve myself my writing it down, but there is also good things, it seems that i just write about the bad ones but those are the ones who consum my thoughts the most, the fact that I'm going to OKC makes me so happy, I'm a lil bit worried about the stop in Phoenix and in Denver but God and the Virgin Marie will be with me and i will make it with no trouble if they want.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment